Pipi

“Etrafında ‘Göster oğlum amcalara pipini’ diyen bir Allah’ın kulu bile olmadığı halde her fırsatta külotunu indiriyor. Ya tamamen çıkarıyor ya da biraz indirip ‘Anne bak, sana pipi şakası yapıyorum’ diye dans etmeye başlıyor. 

Sık sık yarı çıplak bir vaziyette yatağıma gelmek, yorganın altına girmek ve çadırcılık oynamak istiyor. Çadırcılık nasıl mı oynanıyor? Yorganı kafamıza kadar çekiyoruz, ayaklarımızla havalandırıp küçük bir hava ve ışık deliği açıyoruz ve ben ona masal anlatıyorum. 

Çadırcılıktan bağımsız arada sırada penisindeki boyut farklılaşmalarını sorguluyor. Oynayıp, oynayıp ‘Büyüteceğim şimdi bak’ diye hırslanıyor. Yazarken bile tuhaf oluyorum ama üç yaş yaklaşırken oğlumda pipinin bir cinsel organ olduğuna dair bir farkındalık başladı resmen. Ve inanın ben çok ama çok korkuyorum. Çünkü yabancısıyım konunun, karşı cinstenim. Ama ben daha karnımdayken anlamıştım başıma gelecekleri. Doktor, ‘Bir oğlunuz olacak’ dediğinde bu yüzden ‘Ne yani benim içimde bir pipili mi var’ diye bağırmıştım.”

Bu giriş, Sibel Arna’nın 21 Temmuz 2012 tarihli Hürriyet Cumartesi ekinde yayınlanan yazısına ait. Okur okumaz, özellikle “İçimde bir pipili mi var?” ifadesi üzerinden bir kayıt girmeyi arzu etsem de, yakın zamanda okuduğum bir metni paylaşmayı daha uygun buldum. Zira Arna’nın “bağırmasından” sadece sezebileceğimiz bu “pipiliden” korkma ya da ona öfke duyma hali, ancak kendi kişisel hikâyesi ile anlamlı olabilir. Burada sadece speküle ettiğim bu ruh hali, pipili bir çocuktan çok, pipinin kendisine atfedilenlerle ilişkilendirilebilir. Ya da içeride büyüyen pipili bir çocuğun/pipinin, yıllar önce bir kız çocuğu olarak olmadığı anlaşıldığında yaşanan hayal kırıklığını tetiklemesi, kimbilir belki de telafisi olarak görülmesi gibi, analitik teorilerle yan yana geldiğinde anlamlı olabilecek bilinçdışı süreçlerle birlikte de okunabilir. Konuyu dağıtmadan, beklenen çocuğun pipili ya da vajinalı (pipisiz değil ama pipiye de denk değil)  olmasından bağımsız, Lucy Holmes’in “The Internal Triangle: New Theories of Female Development”  kitabından, kadının hamilelik ve doğurma fonksiyonunu penise eşitleyen bölümünü aktarmak istiyorum:

“Like the penis, the fetus is self and non-self, both subject and object; this double role gives woman the self-containment and self –reliance  that the penis gives man. Like the penis, the pregnancy and the fetus represent bodily sembols of independence from the engulfing pre-Odipal mother. The newborn, like the phallus, can be seen and grasped and partially identified with.

…In giving birth, a woman achieves what little boys achieved with the castration complex: Detachment and autonomy from the maternal imago. Just as the penis allows men to see themselves as totally separate and independent from women, so does the protruding belly of pregnancy give women that independence from the maternal imago.

…Childbirth helps woman achieve what Jessica Benjamin called intersubjectivity, where sameness and difference between two subjects (not a subject and an object) exist in the healty tension of mutual recognition. So the loss of the child/penis can be a developmental milestone, albeit an agonizing one, which can be experienced as traumatic as death. Childbirth is certainly linked with death in the unconscious. The loss of the self/object in childbirth is one reason fort his link. Over and over, my clients talked about childbirth in ways that brought death to mind: ‘As long as she was inside me, she was safe, immortal, a timeless fantasy. Now I have lost her to the world. She is flesh and blood, limited, manefist and ultimately mortal.”

Son cümleyi okuyunca, Deconstructing Mummy’nin geçenlerde attığı tweet aklıma geldi: “New mums, time to meet your real child and leave behind the fantasied one!” 

Pinokyo

Fotoğraftaki Pinokyo’yu Salı Pazarı’ndan aldım. 1 TL’ye. Sonrasında okuduğum aşağıdaki makaleyi, onunla birlikte, kişisel olarak çokça çağrışıma izin verdiği için paylaşmak istedim. Tıpkı buraya kaydettiğim pek çok metin gibi bu da, gösterdiklerinin ötesinde anlamlar taşıyor. Kimi eski, kimi sadece kirli eşyaların doldurduğu az sayıdaki tezgahların içinden neden Pinokyo’yu seçtiğimi anlamama yardımcı oluyor. Tamamına buradan ulaşabileceğiniz yazı, bloğun bütünlüğüne katkı sayladığını düşündüğüm özelliklerinin dışında da ilgiyi hak ediyor.

Iakow Levi - The Tale of Pinocchio and the Puberty Rites of Savages: “It is already more than a century that the tale of Pinocchio has been charming children and adults alike. This touching tale has already passed the exams of time. But why do we find it so touching? What is it telling us between the lines, which penetrates us, without even passing through the threshold of conscience?  A child is born. However, he is not a child but a puppet. And he is not born by a Mom, like every child, but from a bulk of wood. Where is his mother? How can a child be born without a mother? When he makes his first appearance, he is already a big child, at school age and beyond. All the most important stages of childhood evolution are skipped. Pinocchio has never felt maternal warmth, he has never been kissed, patted, or coaxed by a mommy, and he was only a piece of wood in need of maternal love. The first thing that he does is behaving badly and telling lies.

A child who receives the affection that he needs does not tell lies. Lies are told when reality is unacceptable; they are a fantasized substitute for it. The unacceptable reality to Pinocchio was that he had no mother. However, is it true? Is it the true story, or the tale conceals behind a screen a reality, which has been covered by the veil of repression. As, in Biblical myth, the screen opens on a Father -- god, who bends on the earth to create the first Man out of it, in the same way the story of Pinocchio begins with a father bending on a bulk of wood, to create his son. As soon as Pinocchio begins moving and telling lies, his nose grows. We know from psychoanalytical research that the nose is a male phallic substitute. If Pinocchio's nose grows, it means that he has an erection. Byzantine emperors, when they wanted to prevent from a relative or a competitor the possibility of ascending to the throne, they cut his nose, meaning they castrated him. In this way, they definitely excluded him from being a potential competitor.

What a strange story! A newborn child, who is not a child but a puppet, born from a bulk of wood by the hand of a carpenter --  father, and who immediately has a lot of erections. And he is not behaving himself. Therefore, he has to be continuously admonished and punished. Where do we find in real life new born children, without a mother, made (i.e. born) from a father, already at puberty age, which have erections and are admonished and punished? Only in one place: in the camp of the young novices in the midst of the forest. Reik has studied the puberty rites of the savages, and he says:

Perhaps the most important prohibition they have to observe during this period is that which forbids association with women.  The circumcised youths among the Amaxosa  remain in their huts in isolation. If they leave the huts for a short time, they have to cover their faces in case they should see girls and women, and in particular, they must not see their own mothers.

In the story of Pinocchio, the mother is indeed absent. He can only fantasize her in the image of the Blue Hair Fairy, who appears and disappears into the fine air, like in a dream.  During those rites, mothers and sisters are told by the men of the tribe that the monster has eaten their sons and brothers. As Sarah died of grief while Isaac was passing his own puberty rite on the mountain, so the mother of Pinocchio, who in the tale condenses with that of the sister, dies of grief for the death of her son -- brother.

Seized with a sad presentiment he began to run with all the strength he had  left, and in a few minutes he reached the field where the little white house had once stood. But the little white house was no longer there. He saw instead a marble stone, on which were engraved these sad words: HERE LIES THE CHILD WITH THE BLUE HAIR WHO DIED FROM SORROW BECAUSE SHE WAS ABANDONED BY HER LITTLE BROTHER PINOCCHIO”